she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
