Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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