I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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