One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
