I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
