i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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