Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
