I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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