and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
