those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
