why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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