accomplished twins. life is a go
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
