I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
