I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
