I just pynch a tree in the face
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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