I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
