I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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