don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
