as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
