can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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