What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You were trust falling into bushes
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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