and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
