The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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