my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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