if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
