Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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