Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
