felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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