just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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