My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
