can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
