Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
