I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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