she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
