Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Someone came in the potted fern
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
