so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
why do cheetos always look like penises
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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