Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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