it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
