I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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