Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
