I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
