I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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