Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
