Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
