I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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