My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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