Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
