guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
