I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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