Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
